Match in Heaven

One whole week has passed since my last contact or email with AH. AH is one of the users whose applications we manage. While working on one of the upgrades, we have discovered he was from Pittsburgh till late teen when he joined the navy. From Pittsburgh to Steelers, we slowly developed a bond beyond users and administrators. Once in a while when Steelers scored, we would congratulate each other through email. Since the playoff, we had talked more as the drum roll started picking up for the grand finale, Super Bowl. In between exchanges on football scores, we would add on bits and pieces on life, family or hobbies. I welcome a little distraction from my tedious and sometimes frustrating routines, especially when the distraction comes from outside of my group. The neutral ground makes it void of conflicts of interests, thus much safer to vent. In a work environment, being safe or guarded is a must. The “what goes around comes around” is a unspoken code we live by. Iterations with AH did fall on that guideline and we kept it up for almost a month.

For someone with extreme personality, I too have somewhat extreme tastes. Food-wise, spicy and hot is always preferable; music, BACH alone is the only supremacy; church, no room for Praise and Worship as a frozen chosen. As for people, both conversation and mind have to be interesting and respectable. AH is boarder line for both. He served the purpose more for being available than being acceptable. Then like the rest of my relationship (but one bonded by holy matrimony), this one too dwindled and ended. I was struck by the initial confusion, followed by frustration and finally lamentation. When it comes to any failure, it’s hardly about why and how, or “it” or “whom”. It’s more about me, or my pride: I flunked it. The sadder truth is: it was not surprising.

Clearly, it was by no means my first or my last failure. When young, I stumbled times after times with being accepted as a moody and needy friend. Now, many decades later, I faithfully continue to fail for different reasons. I am well aware, though, that I am not without company in this “loserville”. In a little more than two years, two couples of our good friends have ended up quitting their marriage. Thus far, though I may be exempted from failing this particular relationship for credit not of my own, I certainly cannot say so with the rest of my relationships. In fact, the older I get, the more I dread them. I discovered that I am most secure only when I am my own company. Giving it time, I would either be disappointing or disappointed. As proud as I can be, I couldn’t help asking: why do I fail in relationship? But as I am not at all alone in this struggle, the better question is: why do we fail?

There seems to be a cycle in a failed relationship that goes like this: initial excitement, honeymoon, followed by disillusion and the inevitable doom. The corresponding causes are: failure to impress, failure to accept and finally failure to commit. As self-absorbing and self-serving as we are, we gratify and glorify in our gains only. For any endeavor we put in the relationship, it is somewhat more about performance rather than a single-minded, uttermost interest for the other, which is the only guarantee for a secure relationship. The most unselfish love on the face of the earth is none other than that of a parent, but even that is not devoid of self-interest or pride. Thus we fail. The truth is: we are not conditioned to do otherwise as we cannot love selflessly.

Here I was – reaching my final answer as I struggled through the monologue, though not exactly a happy ending as one would quote. In the back of my mind, I was keenly reminded of another relationship I have not failed thus far – once again not with merit or choices of my own – and how it differs in that it fails not or ends not despite of myself. In tears and shame I was reminded of how He first loved me in my wretchedness, continues to love me in my unfaithfulness and will love me still despite of my failure to impress. While I may continue to disappoint or be disappointed in many more relationships, I have yet one more assurance in this one.