Pride and Prejudice

Here he came, walking straight toward me on the narrow pathway between cubicles. The annoyance instantly emerged at the sight of him. I looked about and there was no way of avoiding or skirting away. I could sense my facial muscle stiffened up and worse than probably self-evident enough. It was hardly my nature to be rude to anyone, especially when I don’t even know who he is, but this time I had made up my mind: the brute was going to have it. We crossed our path. My face turned aside and I walked pass him without even a grunt or nod.

The irony was that I am well aware this drama had caused no impact of the guy of which I had taken such dislike after the incident, which again, he would have absolutely no recollection of. It was at the coffee lounge a couple of days ago when my coworker and I were making our morning pot of coffee. A young sweet thing of her late 20’s, she is a sight of pleasure for both female and male co-workers with hair thick, makeup perfect and a size 3 figure clad under tight jeans and shirt. On top of a nice package, her nature is even, definitely girlish and properly flirtatious without trying. Even I myself enjoy and admire her assets. For the past 1.5 year, we have developed a more than average colleague relationship as we share our morning coffee and sometimes switch lunch bites together. I am pretty sure she has regarded me as her mother-figure confidant for matters such as marriage and children issues.

So there we were, chatting away with her recent development of life: bargain finds, husband issues and some idle subjects. Most of the time I did the listening while we waited for the coffee maker gurgling on to finish the brew. Then in walked the guy to our cozy girl-talk space with his mug and a face I recognized and name I never knew. He was probably in his early 40’s, medium height and, although no George Clooney, not exactly a pathetic sight to look at. I had bumped into him a few times and courteously said my hi’s as I do with anyone at the same floor. My colleague and I politely paused our conversation for good manner’s sake. With an exchange of “good morning”, the conversation seemed to take its course to evolve from a party of two to three, until I chimed in my first and only one sentence. His back on me, he smiled and flirted on with my young friend as if I had never spoken. Older but not wiser for many things, however, I was quite sure to conclude then that I was as non-existent as the coffee ground spilled on the counter: you see it, you ignore it or pretend you don’t see it.

Never a beauty myself all my life, except to those who love me “just the way I am”, I am none the less proud and vain. I needed no more hint to realize I wasn’t wanted. It wasn’t the first time when it comes to in the company of my young and adorable colleagues. As those two continued on with their exchanges, I took my leave without a word.

Growing up with two beautiful sisters has indeed trained me to accept my less fortune in the beauty department. Small and dark with a stormy temperament, I was never the popular or adorable one. Nevertheless, I prided in the person inside for her thoughts, conviction and even the fact of being “rejected”. I realized in my work environment on top of my “lesser” package I have more years in age, which steer me in the disadvantageous side even further. Still, I am once more amazed how we work or behave in our relationship with others. Youth, beauty and status always dominate at first glance or chance. We couldn’t help our instincts of living by sights. But how far would our eyes take us in any relationship? I have hoped (for my own sake) that time would be my avenger when people see past the insignificant and “worn” exterior and uncover the much more interesting inside. The evidences unfortunately prove otherwise, time after time – including this one.

Perplexed, fuming also, I went around grumbling to myself about the coffee guy and recalled the conversation I had with another male colleague on the similar subject. He replied without an apology for his sex about their preferences on outside rather than inside: “only gays are interested in inner beauty”. As indignant as I was with his straight answer, I couldn’t deny that there is definitely a prejudice or preference for youth and beauty for both sexes. Our eyes cannot help being drawn to the pretty and healthy young things intuitively. Mayhap in time they might see further, but they always start from outside. The truth is: while I may be the casualty of this nature, I am also the instigator or participant like the rest of the world – at least for a little brief moment. Suddenly it dawned on me that as I condemn those brutes’ behavior, I am reminded of my own – how I stormed out, and just now repaid the dude with coldness, and from now on will cut him off for good, as I would do and have done with prior offenders. Indeed they have owned their prejudice, but I too have formed my share and repaid it fast enough. For me, it was not at all about inner essences versus outside beauty; it is all about vanity and pride.

Ah, the classic pride and prejudice…. I started out convicting the world and ended up doing the opposite. What a surprise.