How to lose a gal in 3 days

The long anticipated trip to New York after months of planning (and changing) finally arrived. Among 3 participants across the states of VA and NH, there had been numerous emails and phone correspondence to coordinate this major event. After all, there were hurdles to overcome, such as time-off from work, family coverage in time of absence and traveling means. I have never thought that it would be painstaking to leave all decisions to a group of 3 of the same sex, the female, when all evidences and experiences pointed to the frustration of working with the other inflexible sex. The reality is: too much freedom proved to be too much for comfort. Decision unmade means stagnation and thus regression and even depression. But the final hour did come for us to pack up and head out: two from VA and the other one from NH, meeting up in Jersey as our lodging point.

It started well: the weather was fair, the route choice was wise and the company, my partner-in-crime, more than pleasant. Except for the dent of some work emergency from a phone call from the boss, it was almost a perfect start. The trip was but a 6.5 hours of smooth drive with no delay and plenty of blue sky, spring air and splendid scenes to satisfy both body and soul. My initial anxiety about spending hours in a confined space with anyone other than my family proved to be wasted. S1, gentle and kind, provided not only comforting conversation but also precise navigation that the drive flew by in no time. We arrived in Metuchen, Jersey mid afternoon. While we waited for our host (cousin L and wife) who were still at work and the other accomplice driving down from NH, we took a walk around the blocks saturated in spring’s full bloom with colors and fragrance. Life was good; we felt almost as perfect as the sight itself.

The plan was to explore New York for 2 whole days. We took the train to the city, which was about 45 minutes away from Metuchen. With little agenda set, we proceeded with our exploration after a good night’s rest. S2, the other musketeer from NH, assumed the lead with her iPhone and natural sense of adventure. She was my first new friend in our life in VA 2nd time round, but ironically moved to NH, where we had moved from. With emails and phone calls, we miraculously have kept this long-distance relationship for over a year and half. She was in fact the instigator of this NY expedition. Independent and outspoken, she is the ideal friend with her sensibility minus sensitivity. I have always thought of her as a man trapped in a woman’s body, which constitutes all the qualifications for a perfect girlfriend. S1, on the other hand, is none the less inferior as a friend in her femininity and gentleness. While S2 may be the perfect girlfriend, S1 is the girl I want to be when I grow up. The three of us, different and unique inside out, played well and finished our first day of attempt in conquering the Big Apple from Central Park to China town.

As a born worrier who is also socially inept, I had my reservation about spending time with people for extended amount of time. 3 days would definitely fall into that category, not to mention playing, eating and rooming together. My anxiety had not been completely selfish; I worried not only for my own sake but also for my two friends who had never met prior to the trip. The later fear turned out to be superfluous as I witnessed their friendship budding and flourishing in as short as one day. Being the common denominator of the two, I noticed I became the outsider on the 2nd day. They talked on with each other effortlessly, while I struggled and failed to stay engaged or fit in. When we were together as 3, I found myself experiencing an out-of-body experience, looking on from above as if I was there but not there.

Was I bothered? I wouldn’t be thinking about it if I had not been. The more serious question is this: is 3 a crowd? I have to confess that I have been there, the 3rd wheel, more than once, or twice, though not necessarily every time. I have marveled at others’ dealing in any social situation and wondered if they are as engaging and at ease as they appear to be. I may look just like them, but the fear though well concealed is always there that they might find me out – the social imposter, fraudulence and fake. What of the topics and even qualities of the conversation? I find myself disappearing as they become uninteresting, which others never seem to notice. Then when they are interesting, I have to fight not to take over for the regret later! And there is rule of the eye contact, the listening, the response…. The whole process is exhausting!! Mayhap that’s why I become the 3rd wheel when I finally reach my limit and retreat. Above all, the more unbearable reality is the awkwardness afterwards. Try as I could to pretend nothing had changed, it strained and stretched to the end of the trip. Even after a couple of cover-up exchanges of emails and voice mails, I am afraid that S2 and I will never be the same. I had told her from the beginning that the trip was not a good idea, that we would ruin our friendship at the end. Never the wiser one, but my prediction then as a joke already had its valid basis for a fated doom.

Coming back, I was asked: how was the trip? I answered: it was great! Behind that smiling façade, I know well that it was not completely untrue: how can one not have fun and excitement in the Big Apple? Sad maybe in some way, it was still “great”-- considering a rediscovery of a valuable lesson learned: never do 3 again – 3 girls or 3 days.