Sleepless in VA

4am – the blazing alarm went off faithfully, waking me up from the only 10 minutes of sleep I had had all night – well at least it seemed so then. I had gone through another wretched night of insomnia, making it well over 2-week stretch this time. Sleep and I have had this on-going incompatible relationship in that I love her but she hates me. I have longed to improve it and yet never come close. She remains far-fetched as ever while I the scorned rejected lover.

I remember having sleeping disorder even as young as 7 or 8. Confused and frustrated, I fought with great effort to enter that impossible rest. The darkness encompassing me was accompanied by the deep and rhythmetic breathing of my sister beside me, making it even more ghost-like with every ticking minute. Tears would swirl in eventually as I lay there aching and hopeless. I would try to climb to my sister’s bed and put my arm around her, hoping sleep would flow through and reach me. Desperated, I even groped through the darkness to mom and dad’s room and stood on mom’s bedside, scaring her half to death. Night after night, sleeplessness continued to haunt and torment me until my young body gave out and sleep claimed me at last.

Ironically, as alone as I seemed to be during those endless nights, I was on the contrary never alone. My enemies then included not only insomnia but also the bigger evil – guilt, accompanied by visions of firing hell that I believed to be my rightful final destination. I was living my life then as a petty thief in the daytime and tortured prisoner of the imaginary hell at night. The money I had stolen from my neighbors did no longer make my deprived heart merry but in fact paralyzed it at the grip of guilt. Strange how all things, blurry under the sun, become alive and acute at the nightfall, awake or asleep. Stranger, yet more true, is that the blissful slumber would not arrive till all guilt exposed and excused under the daylight. There had been a few confessions disclosed to secure that rest but none worked till the one with Christ that sealed the case and brought the ultimate pardon many years later.

Sadly, we are the byproduct of both psychological and physical instance. My conscience may have been cleared, but my insomnia continued on, having been triggered by various reasons such as out of town trips, drudgery of life or anxiety for children. A dear friend of mine whose faith and enthusiasm surpasses me once claimed Philippians 4:13 as the sole solution to all ailments or diseases, insomnia included. I couldn’t convince her as much as she couldn’t convince me. Still, I wonder: is my sleeplessness a sign of my weak faith? As believers, can we truly claim that promise and conquer all things? Another dear friend of mine in NH had little to say about the causes and solutions for this common oppressor, and yet his approach impresses me more. Instead of fighting it, he gets out of bed, reads his Bible and prays. He has a private date with God. I couldn’t help thinking: is this what they say “if you can’t fight them, join them”? And maybe that’s my ultimate comeback with this rival?

Many sleepless nights later…. It is almost weekend. My depleted body by now has become numb and my eye lids heavy as I drove in on another chilling morn. I do not know how many more insomniac nights still yet to come, but for now I rejoice in a 2-day luxury when sleep becomes irrelevant. While no match with this life-long enemy of mine, I take comfort in that the battle has already been won on the day when that tortured soul met her Advocate. As nightfall comes with the threat of another long, awake night, I feel no evil. I am never alone. This time around, in tossing and turning, let me be careful to remember, my company is no longer sin or guilt but rather a sweet comforter and friend.