9:45AM - The reminder of the staff meeting faithfully buzzed off. Not exactly my favorite thing to update on tasks with pending deadlines or to receive more tasks of new deadlines, it is truly a time of most burdensome obligation of the week. I usually endure it with great hope that it would bring no significant news and eagerly wait for the cue when the boss throws in his last remark such as:“any more questions? If not….”. This time, unfortunately, new task was given. My ear attentively perked up for the sign of release when he unexpectedly announced that one of us was leaving the group. M, a young girl, had told us of her leaving a couple of months ago when she and husband planned to move north. They were in the process of selling the house and hunting for a new job. Maybe they have finally successfully removed both hurdles and were ready to bid that last farewell. My eyes drew to her expectedly while my ear awaited the further clarification on the subject. “DS is leaving”. I snapped my head up, ear burned and eyes wide open. WHAT?! I blurted in shock, followed by a string of nonsense outbursts such as “why”, “Is this a joke”, “where is the chair so I can throw on him”, …. Gone were all rationale, calmness and reservation in my agitation. The meeting was over. I had no choice but to clam shut after a brief moment of frenzy. I darted out of the door, flew back to my cube and took my shelter.
DS came here after me, so it would make exactly 2 whole years. He was hired 3 levels above me, thus there had been very few talk and much distance in the beginning. In fact I don’t think I had had any interactions with him for almost a year till we started working together on some projects. Our relationship was mild and slow. He was the opposite of me in technicality, personality and popularity, but somehow we got along well through our mutual common ground – the appreciation of humor. In addition, I found him non-intruding and almost aloof, which makes him free of threat. We’d joke through conversation or IM, meet up at the kitchen for morning coffee or stroll to 7-11 to restock our supply. Sometimes he’d drop by to dig for treats from my cubical, occasionally for a few minutes of casual, non-work related talk, which makes him just about my only guest. It had always been nothing deep or elaborate, but enough to make me feel home. Above all, what impressed me most is his willingness to share his knowledge with the others. An atheist he claims to be, he has demonstrated more spirit of charity and generosity than some Christian coworkers.
Though light and casual, our relationship has been comfortable, none the less delightful. I have enjoyed his wittiness and substances in both conversation and character. We may not talk to each other on the daily basis, but I surely miss him on the days of his absence. At a work place, such appreciation of any soul is beyond all my expectation and furthermore against my intuition. I had not meant to devote anything extra besides being professional and superficial. The worst fear or sin to swear off is: in the smallest dose of indulgence, I may unwillingly and unknowingly reverse to that open, undisciplined self, whose unrestrained passion had incurred to herself not only pain but also much rebuke from my own family. The incessant dilemma I have been cursed with all my life is the conflict between the nature I was born with and the culture I was brought up in. I don’t think I ever succeeded in securing approval from either one. The compromise I ultimately reached is that: Freedom from passion may violate my nature but it guarantees also freedom from detriment and worst of all self condemnation. Sadly, with DS, my fear was realized - right there and then at that conference room when my heart was cut open and my wounds in public display.
So here I am, all shook up and lacerated, facing my casualty in the form of double jeopardy. I am at the brink of losing something vital and it is not DS; it is the sensible, older and wiser me, against my better judgment. The graver threat in this awakening, though, is no other than the real daemon, my vanity, so feeble and scarred by the fact the only person here that may have liked me, even for just a little, will soon be gone. I am mortified by the realization that it is after all not about DS and his leaving. It is again about me and the downfall of all creation – pride, the exact opponent of humility, with which our Redeemer came to live, die and charge us. I failed repeatedly in practicing the fundamental principle of all relationship, that it is selfless instead of self-serving. I couldn’t help reflecting my other “relationship”, one of which being that with AH, nonchalant and limited on our daily exchanges of weather or sports, and questioning its potential to ever wound me. Should one, being the frequent victim of one’s own passion and pride against her will, ever choose to relate with another if such perils always line beneath? In fact, having been commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves, how do we go forth to commune with others in spite of potential rejection and fears of loss? But if the outcome is proven unrelentingly disagreeable, would it justify not to embark upon the task at all?
My shame is now as formidable as my pain. I am, though, convicted enough to own my fault and sin. I have not still figured out the mystery of the ancient old paradox above, but my pride demands to make amend with DS. I shall offer him my congratulations and best wishes like any sensible, mature coworker. There will be farewell lunch to plan, engineered display of joy in his new promotion, and most importantly dignity to restore. Pride may be the cause of my downfall, but let it also be the beginning of the way to recovery.
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