Just As I am

Another Monday started in July’s relentless heat and humidity. Barely 3:50AM, the air was already stifling. Even with the windows down, I could feel its weight thick and heavy inside the car. I had another bad night of face-on with the inveterate assailant of mine, insomnia. My head and body did not seem to suffer much from her attack thanks to the previous night’s good sleep, for which I was more than grateful. There awaited for me was a full day of work with little allowance for physical or mental deficiency.

Nearly ½ of the group would be gone this week – some for vacation, some in training class and some gone for good. I sat down at the desk, inadvertently doing the inventory check. It should be a good thing – less people meant less distraction thus amounting to more efficiency and hopefully productivity. Somehow this deduction though true brought less cheer or comfort to my spirit than I anticipated. The absentees, I realized, consists of one coffee pal, one work support and one mental instigator. I felt somewhat at a loss.

And the paradox continued on. It was the first day on my own for a long time and yet it felt as if 2 years never did come and pass. I was back in my 5 X 8 cubical, close enough to hear every sound or every move yet far enough to reach anything or anyone. I had enough work cut out for me, so I there I stood my ground for a straight 12 hours, grinding away quietly. The nostalgia was not at all unbearable but rather a timely regroup that seemed so long overdue. Except for a few business phone calls or dealings, I don’t think I ever talked with anyone else. Era long, a day was gone. I took my leave as soundless as I did my entrance this morning. It was just like the old time.

The road was packed with the 4pm crowd, jamming to leave a day of labor behind. I strolled on mindlessly, my thought preoccupied with nagging questions whose answers too bleary to reach. I was thinking how familiar it was to be so comfortably alone. I was wondering when and how long I had strayed away. I was finally thrown back on the intense debate on who I was or what I wanted to be as if it was the first time and every time. The remorse of a defector that longs to return was painstakingly palpable though slow and dull, and yet I couldn’t decide if my retreat would bring the ultimate peace to a soul so confused. My ears still rang all the admonitions, even criticism, from my own family in my excessive emotions and attachment with people and things. And they surely had seen enough evidences of damages incurred by my waywardness. If the price of indulgence on the innate nature brings you harm and consequently condemnation, does it justify to suppress or violate who you are? Even so, can one truly overcome oneself, disposition, passion and all? I clearly cannot.

It seemed like a never-ending, frustrating struggle between being free and being safe. With this world, both people and things included, I would have to concede with an admission of a total defeat. There are but two exceptions where I found the union of being free and safe, my life partner and Christ, whose immeasurable allowance for generosity and forgiveness had made it possible. It is, though, so easily overlooked as I habitually align my priority and attachment with that of the world, whose approval I eagerly sought and never received.

My short walk ended at the tree where the car parked. It was another day of drought in intense heat. The sky was once again overcast endeavoring to weep to no avail. I wondered if nature too echoed my frustration right there and then. Would our yearning ever be satisfied even if that timely rain poured? I knew mine wouldn’t. This wretched soul, forever adrift and insatiable, was cursed to wander on with quests that never ceased – until home at last. I took a deep breath, opening the car door while trying to close my thoughts all too wild and excited. I longed for another home, free of fear or expectations. When all fails, I would return to this temporary but none the less heavenly place that always receives me just as I am. As my car cruised off, those beautiful words flooded in my mind:

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

I am coming home.