Morning has broken

Summer is here. May rain has tapered off finally, although we still encounter her occasional outburst here and there. It is after all the unpredictable southern Virginia at the last stretch of nature’s temperamental mood swing. With the rising temperature, mid-day walk is becoming less feasible as June unfolded. I am, nevertheless, most unwilling to give up that precious 30-minute speed walk with a mixed, unconventional concerto of Bach violin Partita, Queen’s Bohemian rhapsody and Baez’s Diamond and Rust. My last 2 attempts to conquer the blazing sun of 90’s temperature were a victory in name only – I went, I attacked and I returned – all soaked up and not in the least reenergized. The only alternative left is to shift the schedule to day break when the sun saunters in, barely awake, in her still yet gentle and milder form. 3 mornings I have faithfully and gladly carried on with this new routine. Thus far, nature and I are still in amiable term, meeting up every morning at 7:00 both cordial and happy.

A creature of routines I am truly, I keep the same hour and same route. My iPod in my left hand, I march on with unwavering, slightly downcast vision to avoid eye contact with any approaching objects. I am here to exercise discipline, not socialization. The time slot (7:00-7:30), however, is incoming traffic at its peak with people and cars flooding in. I found it more tolerable to observe my fellow planet co-inhabitants from afar than up close and personal. Distance makes them less threatening or more entertaining. With sunshine and breeze tiptoeing on my hair, I am almost exhilarated. It is after all another day – hope is high and dream may still come true.

There was, I recall, once far as a life time ago and yet close as yesterday a hopeful soul who started her day in the renewal of dawn and dreams as I do. Granted she was then still ignorant and mayhap much troubled by many things as any young girl would be, the prospect of another day under the exuberant sunshine was none the less comforting. In the distance there comes a young woman with heels, makeup and luscious hair. I couldn’t help wondering if she too finds the world after the night less sorrowful. My eyes survey with indulgence from her youthful looks to the fashionable outfit and then there surfaces the mirage of another girl clad in her purposeful selection of the day. In fact, she still lives on, just not visible in this much, much older body with plain jeans and T-Shirt.

As I tread on the memory lane, I am surprised to find myself devoid of any present envy or past regret that have always been there - way, way more than I want – whereas being single, married or parenting. Somehow under that morning light, their ghosts no longer haunt me as much. I am most amazed by the discovery that despite of the youth asset and fortune, I don’t remember or miss much those fairer and younger days. Maybe I have reached that peace in being who I am, ungraceful and unconventional and yet all of me again after 20 years of being anything but. Sometimes without looking into the mirror, I would almost feel like that 15-year old, passionate and extreme, less the fear of being rejected and unloved. Without the anxiety for the prospect of love or marriage as any young woman would have, self acceptance is a much doable task. Life can in fact be interesting when you observe it from afar, not having to eagerly or hopelessly labor to fit in. I couldn’t help asking: Have I, then, indeed grown older and wiser in reversing back to the younger self except now in much assurance and little fear? That being true, then has another life’s wisdom just been uncovered that detachment and abandonment may well work together to bring the ultimate freedom?

My 30-minute walk is almost done. The sun has now risen higher in both altitude and heat. I have worked up to a sweat by now. My body awake and soul recharged, I am back on where I started my walk. There awaits me inside of the building in front of me not only a list of tasks of the day but also 8 hours of separation from sunshine and breeze. I have though enough dose of hope to last through the day. Unlike what William Feather claimed: “early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious”, this rejuvenated soul here finds it most liberating and furthermore absolutely necessary.